Judging all of Columbus’ Rules in ‘Zombieland’ Based on How Useful They Are in Real Life

“It’s time to nut up or shut up.”

Credit: Sony Pictures Releasing

Sometimes, you have to watch the 2009 horror/comedy classic Zombieland on a random Saturday in 2024.

Sometimes, you decide to make a list of all the rules Jesse Eisenberg’s character in the movie has for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Sometimes, you get a bad idea to write an article about how useful these rules would be in real life, and you just can’t shake it.

Such are my justifications for what you are about to read.

Cardio

Useless. Maybe the most useless thing on this list. Cardio? In 2024? Come on dude, they invented electric scooters for a reason. Next.

Double Tap

The process of shooting zombies twice to make sure they’re dead. Less useful than I’d like; more useful than I’ll admit.

Beware of Bathrooms

Now we’re talking. I had to use a public bathroom today. Zombieland wasn’t the scariest thing I’ve seen today by half.

Seatbelts

I’m not going to make a joke about this one. Wear your seatbelts, kids. Unless you want to look cool in front of the people in the other cars. Then forget about them.

Travel Light

From Wikipedia:

The speed of light in vacuum, commonly denoted c, is a universal physical constant that is exactly equal to 299,792,458 metres per second

Limber Up

When I used to play soccer as child and the coach made us limber up, that was the closest I ever came to premeditated murder.

When In Doubt, Know Your Way Out

Remember this one, folks! If you’re on desktop it’s the little X in top right corner—or a red button on the top left corner if you’re using a Mac. If you’re reading this on your phone, just close the app. But you’ve come this far, you might as well keep reading, no?

Enjoy the Little Things

Great advice. If you’re struggling, here are some little things you can enjoy: birds; Danny DeVito; the stars when they’re far away; fidget spinners.

Check the Backseat

Useless advice. Electric scooters don’t even have backseats.

Don’t Be a Hero/Be a Hero

The important thing to remember if you’re going to decide to be a hero is to make sure to be one of the cool ones, like an Avenger or something, and not the kind of hero where people hate you for being different, like the X-Men.

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Ha. And to think sometimes I don’t even think of myself as a proper writer.

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