Jurassic World: Dominion
(Dir. Colin Trevorrow)
There are many pitfalls a writer can fall into when giving Jurassic World: Dominion a thorough and righteous bashing. There are, of course, the ageist ‘dinosaur’ jokes one can make about some of the film’s main characters returning from the original Jurassic Park. There’re also ‘extinction’ jokes some have made as this movie trilogy comes an end, bonelessly flopping past the finish line in what may be the lamest third movie in a trilogy to ever exist (and that’s saying something). But I shall reach for a higher standard: the evergreen poop joke.
In many ways, Jurassic World: Dominion resembles a steaming brachiosaurus turd. It is a hot mess of a film that doesn’t do much more than sit there for two and a half hours and when it’s over, you’ll simply be happy to be away from the stink of this limp, structureless mound of visual and aural diarrhoea. Okay, I’ll leave it there with the faeces stuff.
This movie is a joke, though. I don’t know how a studio could mess up the concept of ‘Dinosaurs but in modern times’ this badly. The stakes of this movie are practically non-existent and weirdly focused on locusts, a creature much less frightening than, say, I don’t know, dinosaurs? The acting is about as boring as things could get, and not even the returning veterans possess the acting chops to inject any semblance of life into the words they’re forced to speak.
That sinking feeling you get when your movie is rubbish
There are a few scary-looking dinosaurs at times, but that’s about it. Some good visuals, maybe? But none of that means anything when your script never made it past the first draft and your characters feel like puppets dancing on strings controlled by someone with arthritis.
Everything Everywhere All At Once
I’ve seen this movie twice now, and I still can’t get over how amazing it is. Watching it feels like opening your third eye for the first time. The scope of EEAAO feels suitably enormous and given the fact that a good 50% of the movie takes place in an office building, that’s quite the achievement.
This is a movie about the multiverse, which is weird seeing as Doctor Strange also came out this month. Now, I’m a huge Marvel fan—there were parts of Multiverse of Madness that I loved, but this… this is the superior June multiverse movie, which is kind of embarrassing for Marvel, right?
Trying to find a picture that didn't spoil any of the best bits of this film was a challenge (they're all best bits)
Honestly, I think this movie might be a little too good. Aspiring writers and filmmakers might find themselves throwing up their arms as the end credits come on screen, screaming in despair: ‘The bar is that high? What’s even the point anymore?’ It’s the kind of movie you wish you’d been smart enough to make.
But somebody else made it and the world is better for it. You are better for it. EEAAO is the only movie I’ve ever reviewed that makes me want to use the phrase ‘life-affirming’ with full sincerity. It’s a movie that makes you glad to have people in your life that care about you, while also having bits in it where two women with hot dogs for fingers gently suck on each other’s digits. What more could you want?
Men
I’m going to keep this one brief: Fuck this movie.
Alex Garland has written some stellar movies in the past (Sunshine, Ex Machine, 28 Days Later) and is now threatening to go full M. Night Shyamalan with Men. By this, I mean that it seems like he’s reached a level of success where nobody is willing to tell him that what he wrote is total garbage, and that he should at least write a second draft.
Men is like an optical illusion giving the impression of depth in a pool an inch deep. There’s nothing to unpack here, despite the artsy, pseudo-intellectual exterior. Confusing, meaninglessly gross, and a waste of everyone’s time.
Lightyear
There are few film series I love more than Toy Story. They are a part of my childhood, and I can make myself cry by just thinking about some of the scenes from the first two movies. So when Lightyear was announced, I felt… nothing.
But! After I watched Lightyear I felt… also nothing.
Look, this isn’t a bad movie. It’s animated with that Pixar love and attention to detail that they’re famous for. But the plot and Buzz’s character needed a lot more work. The ‘plot’ is essentially a shopping list of meaningless fetch quests, and Buzz’s arc of ‘I don’t need anyone’s help’ to ‘I understand that I need other people to succeed’ is well-trod ground. Buzz himself is also disappointingly strait-laced, lacking the kind of manic energy and arrogance that made his Toy Story character so fun.
Slap me across the face and call me Mrs. Nesbitt; that is a damn fine reflection in Buzz' LIghtyear's helmet
Taika Waititi’s voice acting injected a small amount of humour into the film, but the film lacked any interesting visual gags, or jokes that take a minute to really hit you. Of course, that’s that way of a lot of movies these days, but given how genuinely hilarious Toy Story is, it was extra disappointing.
Overall, this isn’t a bad movie, but for a Pixar flick, it’s below-average. Kids will love it, adults could have loved it with a little more effort, and I… well, I feel like watching Toy Story one more time and forgetting that this movie ever existed.
Good Luck to You, Leo Grande
There’s not much to say about this one. It’s a Covid™ movie: 95% of the movie is two actors in one location, specifically, Emma Thompson and Daryl McCormack in a hotel room. He’s a closed-book sex worker, and she’s an uptight Religious Ed teacher looking for fulfilment.
I suppose you could say this is a romcom of sorts. A sexcom? If it wasn’t for Thompson and McCormack’s absolute commitment to their roles here, I’m not sure I would’ve been engaged, but they really made this movie solidly entertaining.
The film relies so heavily on dialogue and actor performances to make up for the limited, well, everything else, that it’s a real testament to the filmmakers that this movie works at all. Some people will absolutely love this movie for its themes and messages, which are thoughtfully explored, but ultimately, this isn’t really my thing.
And that's it for June!
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