Barrelling Through A Winter Wonderland
The prerequisites for what constitutes a Christmas movie has become a lost art. We all seem to have collectively given up after initiating Die Hard into the ranks. What a shame. We’ve opened the door wide open to accepting a slew of movies as modern-day Christmas classics, but we’ve left them freezing on the doorstep.
Where are our manners?
We live in world where, every December, my local cinema shows a movie in which Bruce Willis enacts brutal, bloody, murderous vengeance on no less than ten men. If a film as totally devoid of Christmas spirit as Die Hard counts simply because it’s set during a Christmas party, then we’re accepting the most trivial of details to be of the utmost importance in determining its eligibility.
And so, people of the world, I present to you your next Christmas classic: Snowpiercer.
Ghost of Christmas Post-Apocalyptic Future
Directed by Bong Joon-ho (Parasite, Okja), Snowpiercer is a post-apocalyptic thriller set entirely on a globe-spanning train carrying the last vestiges of humanity. The story follows the oppressed residents of the train’s tail section as they launch a rebellion against the elite at the front of the train.
Not very Christmassy, you say? Well how about this: the world of Snowpiercer has been devastated by an act of climate engineering gone wrong that has resulted in a new global ice age. That’s right, folks; Snowpiercer is set in a world covered in snow! There’s nothing more Christmassy than snow! (Assuming you live in the northern hemisphere)
Then, of course, there’s our lead actor, Chris Evans. Evans has somewhat fallen on creative hard times following his departure from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but after the recent success* of Red One, how can you not associate this guy with the holiday season?
Jolly Saint Chris
In Snowpiercer, Evans plays the reluctant leader of the rebellion—a haunted man named Curtis. In a very obvious and totally-not-reaching kind of way, Curtis acts a cinematic parallel to Tim Allen’s character in the 1994 Christmas classic, The Santa Clause (Spoilers for Snowpiercer ahead!).
Much like how Tim Allen accidentally killed Santa Claus and was forced take on the role himself, Curtis—upon finally reaching the front of the train and confronting the man responsible for the train’s class segregation—discovers that he has been chosen to be the train’s new leader! After all someone has be Santa Claus/The Morally Bankrupt Leader of Humanity.
And just like how Tim Allen learns to accept his role and bestows gifts on the children of the world, Curtis—in his first act as leader—chooses to derail the train with a bomb, thus bestowing the gift of freedom from the trenches of class warfare to all of humanity (i.e. death). Wow, somebody should make sure the writers of Snowpiercer don’t get done for plagiarism…
Die Hard, Die
Curtis’ journey to the front of the train is, of course, your standard Christmas movie fare. Much like John McClane, Curtis hacks, slashes, and shoots his way to victory. Initially he faces down only low-level thugs, but eventually nabs the boss’s right-hand woman—Minister Mason, played by Tilda Swinton—whom he uses to add a splash of Christmas cheer to the train’s drab interior décor.
Oh, sorry, was I not clear? Curtis executes her. With a gun. Point blank. Just the pop of crimson the train needed.
From there, Curtis continues on to the enigmatic Wilford, played by Ed Harris—the Hans Gruber of Snowpiercer if you will. Wilford is a character loaded with symbolism and subtext. He is, of course, the Santa Claus of the train, providing lavish gifts for the first-class passengers, and coal-coded ‘protein blocks’ for the naughty tail-section passengers who just won’t stop kicking up a fuss!
All Aboard!
But if that’s not enough to convince you, I have one last point to make. Christmas is, after all, about each other. It’s about coming together, celebrating our relationships with gifts, and—perhaps most importantly—sharing a delectable meal with those closest to you.
In this way, the close confines of the tail section mirrors that cosy, Christmassy feeling of being surrounded by relatives. Not only do the tail section get to enjoy those tasty, aforementioned ‘protein blocks', but a few of the lucky rebels get to enjoy some sushi later on the movie—practically a Christmas Day dinner for how special a meal like that is for these folks!
Personally, I only ever spend Christmas with a handful of members of my immediate family, and I’ve always envied large families that live within driving distance of each other. Watching Snowpiercer helps me imagine what it would be like to spend the most wonderful day of the year—and, indeed, all days of the year—surrounded by the ones that mean the most to me.
Listen, Snowpiercer is a Christmas movie. It ticks all the boxes. You can argue against me all you want, but the reality is that Pandora isn't going back in her box. You think that Die Hard is a Christmas movie now? This is what you get.
Make sure you remember to check back in this time next year when I attempt to discover the true meaning of Christmas in Quentin Tarantino's The Hateful Eight.
Until then, remember the warm words of Minister Mason: "Know your place! Keep your place! Be a shoe!"
Happy Christmas.
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*Red One is only a success in the sense that it is a movie starring The Rock that manages to exist without being so offensively bad that it makes you rethink the merits of cinema as an art form.
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