Finally, a man’s perspective on St. Trinian’s
Because I wasn’t a teenage girl in the late 00’s or early 2010’s (and, indeed, am not a teenage girl presently), I missed out on experiencing the cinematic joyride that is St Trinian’s. From what I gather, the movie has quite the widespread fanbase among members of a demographic to which I firmly do not belong.
But what’s a girlfriend for if not to show you all the movies she obsessed over in the years before you met her? Don’t answer that question.
St Trinian’s does, however, feature several actors that even a BOY like me knew of—most notably Colin Firth and Toby Jones (and also, uh, Russel Brand… we’ll get to that). So, with at least those two lovely gents to cling onto in case things got hairy, I took my first steps into St Trinian's.
Open Day
Forced to transfer to a boarding school called St Trinian’s at the behest of her father, Annabelle (Talulah Riley) discovers that her fellow students are the ones running the school—not her aunt/principal, Camilla (Rupert Everett… yes). The girls of St Trinian’s are liars, cheaters, pranksters, thieves, and illegal distillery-owners, but when they discover that their school is danger of being shut down by the Education Minister (Colin Firth) they find a way to raise funds in their own conniving way.
So…
Christ, I barely know where to begin with this one. Let’s start with Rupert Everett in his dual performance as both Annabelle’s father and her aunt, who is also the school’s principal. I really don’t know what to make of it. I think we’re supposed to find Everett’s crossdressing to be amusing. Instead, it’s just kind of uncomfortable?
To be clear, I think Everett gives the performance his all, and the bits that do work are down the whimsy and charm he’s able to effectively convey as the character, but it’s hard to pinpoint what the purpose of casting a man in a woman’s role is, other than cheap initial laughs. All of Camilla's positive traits, such as her intelligence, her affability with the students, and her artistic skills are all just sort of undercut by the fact that she's being played by Rupert Everett in dentures.
Detention
Look, I don’t think this is a terrible movie, but unlike movies like The Proposal or Just Like Heaven that my girlfriend made us watch in the past, I think I’m way too far removed from being able to enjoy St Trinian’s. It’s not meant for me. It’s meant to be watched on a sleepover after your best friend’s parents have gone to bed.
I’m probably the only person alive who thought ‘Hm, this screenplay is a little sloppy’ while watching St Trinian’s. To be clear, it is sloppy. After setting up Anabelle as our main character, the movie all but forgets about her in favour of Gemma Arterton’s Head Girl character, and the romantic tension between Colin Firth and Rupert Everett.
Scene-by-scene, the movie is diverting enough to be enjoyable, but the it isn’t cohesive, nor is it about anything. That’s fine. It’s not supposed to be. It’s supposed to be scene after scene of rebellious girls getting up to antics.
Girl With the Hoop Earring
Said antics do get more and more extreme, culminating in an art heist at the National Gallery in London, and here’s where the movie commits to an extended sequence of tension and stakes that had been sorely lacking from the story up until this point. It’s just kind of fun watching a bunch of schoolgirls from various cliques band together to rob one of the world’s most famous painting, Mission: Impossible-style.
Russel Brand is also in this movie. Unfortunately for St Trinian's, something about a guy who had a plethora of sexual assault allegations against him well before the Me Too movement took hold on a set with mostly young, female actors will provoke a visceral reaction from anyone with eyeballs.
Brand plays a criminal who consorts with the students of St Trinian’s, pawning their stolen items and selling their school-brewed vodka. How or why he became known to the girls of St Trinian’s is never explained—which is actually pretty funny—but he’s also attracted to their Head Girl, just make sure you don’t think he’s too funny.
His presence is countered, somewhat, by Stephen Fry as the host of a gameshow that the girls later get involved in, and he by far got the biggest laughs in the movie from me. Lena Heady (y’know—Cersei Lannister) make the occasional appearance as St Trinian’s only teacher who actually wants to be a teacher, but she’s not given much to do, which was a little disappointing.
End of Term
St Trinian’s rates quite highly on Letterboxd, with many of the reviews pointing back to specific childhood experiences. There are lots of instances of people coming to terms with their sexuality in those reviews, and no small amount of analysing the homoerotic subtext of the film. The look and styles of the girls of St Trinian’s are also subject to quite a level of praise, as is ‘Britishness’ of the film.
It’s wonderful that a relatively low-budget movie like that was able to find its audience. I, on the other hand, never stood a chance at surviving my St Trinian’s experience. And that's the way it should be.
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