In which circle of hell will Frank Abignale Jr. find himself in the afterlife?
Following a recent public shaming for not having seen Steven Spielberg’s 2002 biographical (heavy quotes around that word) crime comedy-drama, Catch Me If You Can, it behoved me to give it a watch.
The film begins with the words “inspired by true events”, the peculiar wording of which prompted me to look into the veracity of the film’s narrative. Catch Me If You Can follows the exploits of the alleged con-man Frank Abignale Jr., who apparently faked his way into multiple jobs and cashed fake cheques for millions of dollars.
Abignale himself is the one who alleges he did all this, but most of it has been debunked. He probably didn’t do half of the things Leonardo DiCaprio depicts him doing in film, but that doesn’t matter. The fact that he wants to be thought of the kind of person who would do these things is what counts.
So, how morally bankrupt was Frank Abignale Jr. really? Here, enjoy this ranked list, from least to most immoral.
7. The Time He Pretended to be a Lawyer
Frank apparently swung a job at his fiancé’s father’s law offices after successfully passing the bar after only two weeks of study. The movie lets us believe that Frank really did pass the bar this way, which means that, despite his inexperience, he actually was a lawyer, making this one of his least culpable actions.
Also, I’m pretty sure impersonating a lawyer isn’t a crime. I think it’s actually encouraged? Don’t look that up. I’m probably right.
6. The Time He Pretended to be a Lutheran
Gonna level with you—I’m not entirely sure what a ‘Lutheran’ is. Here in Ireland, we have Catholics, Non-Practicing Catholics, and Other. My guess is that it has something to do with whatshisface with the cross.
So here, Frank is either pretending to believe in whatshisface, pretending to definitely not believe in whatshisface, or maybe accepting that whatshisface existed but that he wasn’t as big a deal as some people make him out to be. It’s probably a bad thing, unless he guessed right and accidentally pretended to believe in the one religion that’s actually real; in which case maybe he gets to go to Heaven? Or would he not get to go because he faked it?
Damn, I bet I could make a killing by pretending to have the answers to these questions on live T.V. Some sort of televised evangelism? Someone should look into that.
5. The Time He Pretended to be an Airline Pilot
Look, this one isn’t that bad—it’s not like they ever let him actually fly a plane. He just walked around in the uniform so he could cash out fake payslips.
And even if they did let him fly one, it’s not like planes are real anyway. Everybody with a brain knows that they’re just projections NASA shines on the inside of the dome. Nobody was ever in any real danger.
4. The Time He Pretended to be a Secret Service Agent
Frank only pretended to be a Secret Service Agent for one scene in order to dupe Tom Hanks into letting him walk free, and I have to admit, it was cool as hell. His posture, his relaxed attitude, his tone of voice, and his verbiage all worked in harmony to completely disarm Tom in what is one of the best scenes in the movie.
Honestly, I wanted to place this at the bottom of the list, but the FBI agent in my computer got upset with me, so we compromised by putting it bang in the middle instead. He’s also making me include this statement:
The Federal Bureau of Investigation denies ever falling for Frank Abignale Jr.’s tricks because they didn’t actually happen and even if they did, we’d have noticed he was faking it right away because we’re really smart actually.
3. The Time He Pretended to be an Airline Pilot Again
Can’t blame the sheep for believing that metal can fly. Just listen to yourself. You sound ridiculous. Anyway, after leaving his fake life as a pilot behind, Frank must once again take up the role in order to flee the country.
Despite the FBI presence in the airport he’s sneaking out from, he avoids detection by tricking eight young women from a local college into thinking they’ve been selected to be air hostesses as part of a PR campaign. He uses the women’s dazzling good looks to turn the all-male FBI team into cartoon characters whose eyes turn into hearts and shoot out of their heads like yo-yos while they say ‘hubba hubba!’ and slap their feet on the ground like jackrabbits.
It’s actually incredibly unethical to turn real living human beings into cartoon characters like this, hence this crime’s high placement.
2. The Time He Pretended to be a Doctor
Putting this high on the list because otherwise people will get angry. Like you’ve never committed medical malpractice. You botch one surgery and suddenly it’s all “Ooh, that’s the patient’s heart, not his liver,” and “Ooh, wait you’re not Dr. Fitzgerald,” and “Ooh, put down the scalpel, we promise we won’t say anything,”. Everything’s so woke these days.
1. The Times He Lied to Amy Adams
There’s acting immorally, and then there’s being ontological evil. This proves Frank to be the latter. Imagine beholding the visage of Giselle of Andalasia with deception in your heart. Imagine coming face-to-face with linguist Dr. Louise Banks, the first person to both communicate with aliens and get snubbed by the Oscars for her troubles, with devilment in your thoughts. Imagine acting dishonestly towards Lois Lane from Zack Snyder’s Justice League a.k.a. The Snyder Cut (2021). I know. You can’t.
Because if you could you’d be evil.
For the crime of lying straight to Amy Adam’s face, I sentence Frank Abignale Jr. to burn in the deepest circle of hell. For some monsters, there is no redemption.
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